6 relationship tips for hard times
Relationships can be hard. You love your partner with all of your heart, but some days it can feel like you’re on 2 different planets. Read on to learn 6 ways to figure out how you feel and why, how to communicate and articulate that well and also how to reduce reactive behaviour.
Figure out how you feel and why.
This can sound harder than it really is. Sometimes we get stuck in thinking patterns, or Cognitive Distortions (there’s a whole 14 episode podcast mini-series I’ve done on these that you can listen to here) that make our conflicts or disagreements feel bigger than they really are. You start to take on board other people’s opinions and perspectives and what was once a small conversation has turned into an argument and you feel like your partner is just not understanding where you are coming from.
The best thing that you can do, in any relationship, is to get clear on how YOU feel. Because at the end of the day, it’s about what is coming up for you, how you feel and how you can communicate that well to the other person.
A tool to do this is the 5 whys. I have spoken about this on the podcast before in regards to goal setting, but the 5 whys can also be used as a tool to go deeper and figure out how you’re feeling and why. Essentially, ask yourself the question ‘How do I feel about this situation?’ and then as yourself why. You will get an answer come to mind. Ask why again. Now you have another answer that’s a little deeper than the first. Continue to do this 5 times until you get to the core of what is actually bothering you.
It’s very common when using the 5 whys tool to realise that what the original conflict topic was is actually not what the underlying issue is for you at all, but this is the beauty of the 5 whys as a mindset tool - it helps you to understand yourself at a deeper level, which in turn means you can communicate how you feel more constructively.
Give yourself some space
For some people, the idea of having space in the midst of a disagreement can be anxiety inducing (that used to be me too!) but to be able to give yourself the opportunity to cool down means that you are less reactive and again, as in tip 1, better able to communicate how you feel.
Take some time to consider what space looks like to you. It could be putting your headphones in and going for a walk listening to your favourite podcast episode, decluttering a space in your house, going to the gym or moving your body, getting out in nature, going to the beach or maybe you enjoy journaling or meditating. (There’s a blog post on journaling with some prompts for you, here)
Try your best not to be reactive
This ties back in with point 1 and 2, but there is a quote I want to share with you that speaks to this so well
All of my emotions are valid, but my reactions might not be
We have our spectrum of emotions for a reason. Each and every emotion is trying to tell us something, but the trouble becomes when you give in to the reactive behaviours that can come as a flow on affect from feeling some of the big emotions like anger, resentment, frustration, disappointment etc.
When you can notice a feeling or emotion coming up for you, take responsibility for it rather than blaming it on someone else and be inquisitive - as in point 1, ask yourself why that feeling is coming up for you, it means that you can lessen the reactive behaviours that you want to do less of.
Recognise small signs of overwhelm
One of the contributing factors to reactive behaviour like irritability, snapy-ness and in general being argumentative is feeling overwhelmed. Consider for a moment how you feel when your overwhelm or stress is sitting at a 9 or 10 out of 10. It can feel very hard to think clearly and be rational.
Think back to a time that you felt extremely overwhelmed or stressed. Take a few steps prior, what thoughts or feelings came before this? Maybe there were some thoughts like ‘I don’t have enough time to do this’ or ‘There’s too much on my plate today’ or ‘I haven’t had enough personal space’.
Is there any sensation in your body you can recognise? Racing heart, quickened breathing, heat anywhere?
To be able to recognise these small signals your body and mind give you means you are more able to catch the overwhelm before it gets to the 10 out of 10 level and there is more opportunity to communicate more rationally.
Be open to little or no response from your partner
Just because you are aware of how you feel or want to have a conversation about something doesn’t mean your partner does. It is a beautiful think to be self aware enough to recognise how you’re feeling and to want to discuss it, but that doesn’t mean your partner is on the same level as you, and that’s okay.
If you are asking a question like ‘How do you feel?’ or ‘What do you think about that?’ and there’s not a lot of response coming back to you there is also a big chance that your partner actually doesn’t know how they feel. Perhaps they aren’t as practiced as you are at picking up how they feel, so when they say I don’t know…they really might not know.
If you think they need help expressing how they feel, you could try asking smaller questions like ‘Do you feel angry or frustrated?’ or ‘Do you feel stressed of overwhelmed?’ by giving then 2 options to choose from it helps their brain to narrow down their answer instead of just feeling like ‘I don’t know!’
You may even find that after becoming a little more comfortable answering questions like these, that your partner becomes more open to increased self-awareness for themselves too!
Be gentle with each other - show empathy. Life isn’t a competition
We all have hard days, big days and days that we just feel so overwhelmed that we can’t take it any more. But by making things seem like a competition of ‘who had it harder’ there is space for resentment and frustration - 2 of the things you want to be feeling less of in your relationship.
Instead of giving in to the impulse to compare hard things that have happened for each other that day, try to show some empathy instead. Sometimes a listening ear is all someone needs to vent or get a few things off their chest to feel better.
Show interest. Ask your partner how their day was. Listen and be open to creating conversation or asking a few questions. They say to receive what you want in life you need to show that too - kindness, compassion, love, respect. Show empathy to get empathy. Be interested in your partners day to encourage them to be interested in your day too.